I'll admit that the title of this post is a little clickbait-y. What can I say?
But I do mean it. Young men need not obsess over finding a "Proverbs 31 woman."
At the outset, I'm sure there's someone here wondering why I would say such a thing.
Proverbs 31 outlines a wife of noble character!
Why wouldn't a young man look for a woman like this to marry?
Wouldn't it be foolish for him to not consider Proverbs 31 as a good measure of what kind of woman he wants to raise a family with?
I take your point. These are fair and good questions. And never mind the fact that too many young men are really just hoping for a Song of Solomon woman, if ya know what I mean (relax theobros, it's a joke).
I think Proverbs 31 does describe several qualities that a young man should hope to find in his wife.
But let's ask ourselves this: What is the average age for many of our young Christian suitors? Maybe 18-25? (Yeah, 18 is a little young, but hey, we're that's how we Evangelicals roll.)
Here's what I'm getting at: There is no such thing as a 22-year-old Proverbs 31 woman. We shouldn't pretend that there is, and we definitely don't need to put that kind of pressure on our young ladies. Proverbs 31 was never meant to portray a young woman of marrying age. It portrays an older woman who has been married for years.
The actual Proverbs 31 woman couldn't have qualified as a Proverbs 31 woman when she was waiting for a husband or even newly married.
Just for starters, look at verse 23: Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.
Okay, so her husband sits among the elders of the land. So he's at least not a young guy.
Or look at verse 28: Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her
Babies cannot rise up and call their mother "blessed." Nor can little kids. Nor can most teenagers, really. Children rising up and calling her "blessed" only comes after she has raised them with integrity and in the fear and admonition of the Lord. That takes time... a lot of it.
All the qualities listed in Proverbs 31 take decades to develop. It takes time for someone to develop the wisdom that characterizes this woman (vs. 26).
Proverbs 31 isn't the template a young man should use to find a wife. It's the prayer he should pray for his wife through the years. That beautiful 21-year-old that you fall in love with isn't going to be the exact same woman at 65. Your hope, young man, as you lead her and love her through the years is that she will develop into the woman described in Proverbs 31. But you can't put that pressure on her today.
Same goes for you, boy moms. You can't put Proverbs 31 pressure on the young woman your son brings home. She hasn't had time to become that woman yet.
Of course, we can observe a young woman's life and see where her trajectory seems to be heading. Does this young woman seem like she will become a Proverbs 31 woman? There is a level to which her current character can show what she will grow up to be, but that's also not always certain.
I think a very important thing to look for in a young woman is what kind of woman she looks up to. Does she surround herself with older, Proverbs 31-esque woman? Is her mother a Proverbs 31 woman? Is she discipled by a Proverbs 31 woman? These might be the most important questions to ask when trying to see what trajectory a young woman is on.
But bringing this back to the boys... Fellas, I want you to read carefully: Are you the type of man, today, who is worthy of a Proverbs 31 woman?
Lots of young guys want to marry that Proverbs 31 woman, but no one wants to ask if they are worthy suitors for her.
If you want to marry this type of woman, then work on being the type of man who is worthy to be her husband. Work on becoming the type of man who can lead her to become this woman, as Paul describes in Ephesians 5. Work on being the type of man who is capable of handling her body, mind, and soul with care and compassion (1 Peter 3:7).
We all need time to develop into the men and women God calls us to be. Give the girls a break, guys. Don't set your standards beyond what is attainable by age 25. And know that you also need to develop into a Proverbs 1-30 man, so that you can enjoy a long and happy marriage to that Proverbs 31 woman.