As always, to quote the great Frank Costanza: "I got a lot of problems with you people. And now, you're gonna hear about it."
Y'all really have been trifling this year. I've spent the year on two continents, traveled to several different countries, and poorly spoken two languages. And I'm back with an ax to grind.
(And real quick, for the newcomers: This list is a joke.)
Without further adieu, here are my 2023 grievances. If at any point you feel personally attacked, so be it.
1. BUNCO
I don't even know what the heck Bunco is. Is it like a card game or something? I'll be darned if my internet history ever includes a search for "What is bunco?". All I know is that my wife and mother get together with their girlfriends and play it all the time.
"Hey Mom, can you hang with the grandkids this Friday so we can go on a date?"
Nope, sorry. I'm playing BUNCO!!!!
"Hey honey, I've been in a terrible accident. I think my leg is broken. Will you come get me and take me to the hospital?"
Sorry, babe!!! It's BUNCO night!!!!!!
I can't think of a more Woman Moment™ than playing Bunco.
2. The song “God Is Great, Beer is Good, People are Crazy”
This is a throwback, I know. I heard the song this year and I was taken back. However, upon listening to the song with fresh ears after becoming a husband and father... uhhhhhhhh that guy from the song is a scumbag.
I'm sorry, am I supposed to have my heart warmed by the idea of a rich guy giving away his children's inheritance to some stranger at a bar? What an idiot.
3. Church Phrases
We say some dumb stuff on Sunday mornings, y'all. Here are some phrases I've heard this year that made my skin crawl.
"Here in this place." Lol as opposed to what? Here in that place? "Here" requires that you're talking about the place you currently are.
God, we want you to meet us here in here.
That's what you're saying.
Or how about the absolutely obscene amount of times pastors and worship leaders say "this morning"?
This morning, we are here to worship this Lord, this morning. And this morning, I don't know what burden you're carrying, but this morning you can lay it at the cross, this morning.
You think I'm exaggerating but listen for it next Sunday.
I once heard a minister say, "Today, maybe you're here, and you..."
I'm sorry, "Today, maybe you're here..."? What kind of phrase is that? Who says that? Of course they're here. EVERYONE in the room is here, this morning!
4. Stupid Things British People Say
While we're on the topic of people saying dumb stuff...
Maybe I'm still reeling from 1776, but the Brits say things that make me want to put my head through a wall. They'll accuse Americans of slobbering out the most incoherent phrases they've ever heard and moments later literally say: Oi bruv, itsa bit nippy outside, I be-ah grab me jumpah, innit!
Ummmmmmm right, it's Chewsday, so you'll need to pop off to the shops to get some marmalade to put on me CHOAST, some shaving foam for me whiskahs, some bo-ols o' WO-AH, and bob's your uncle!
Sidewalk makes way more sense than pavement. Elevator is a far more sophisticated word than lift. Stroller speaks to what you are going to do while using it, as opposed to pram. THEY LITERALLY SAY MATHS. I don't care who invented English. There are hundreds of millions of Americans. Our English is normal, innit?
5. People who claim their iPhone alarms "didn't go off"
Y'all really must think I'm stupid. This is especially bad with teens. When someone shows up a half hour late to your 8am meeting and they hit you with "Sorry, bro. My alarm didn't go off."
Hmmm. Muy interesante.
As it happens, I also use an iPhone alarm and it has literally never "not gone off." That doesn't happen. Now, maybe you woke up, turned your alarm off, and went back to sleep without realizing what happened. Maybe you set your volume to zero so that it didn't make any noise. But don't resort to blaming your iPhone for not getting up on time.
If you run out of gas on the interstate, you don't get to say, "Sorry I'm late bro, my car stopped working on the way here."
Look in the mirror. See that guy? That's the reason you're late.
6. People Who Let their Dogs Poop On the Sidewalk Without Picking It Up
This one speaks for itself. These are the monsters who live among us. There are people who will let their stupid little rat dog drop a deuce on the sidewalk, look around to make sure no one notices, and then walk away. These people are capable of doing something like this and then going to sleep at night like a normal person. Psychopaths.
7. People who say "If Paul saw the American church, we'd be getting a letter!"
Man, this is so cringe.
Interesting that, for as much as American Christians love to hate on American Christians, it's always the other Christians who are the problem. "Paul would write all the other Christians in America a letter, but not me! I'm a special one. I shared this meme. I'm not part of the problem."
Besides, hating on the American church is silly. We have our issues, sure. But the American church is pretty dang strong, and a major force for gospel-growth in the world. Let's pretend I'm Paul and this post is my letter to you: Quit it.
8. George Orwell's 1984
Listen to me. Lean in close, I want to make sure you hear this. STOP OBSESSING OVER THE DYSTOPIA THAT YOUR CURRENT DYSTOPIAN OVERLORDS MAKE YOU READ.
"Dude, dude!!! Did you see what just happened on the news, bro?? It's just like 1984, bro. For real, dude. It's EXACTLY like it."
"Oh yeah, when did you read 1984?"
"Yeah man, the State totally mandated that we all read it in high school."
smh
Listen, both Conservatives and Liberals are shaking in their boots waiting for the day when Big Brother finally reveals himself and takes over the world. This is genuinely hilarious to me for two reasons: One, BIG BROTHER MADE YOU READ THE BOOK, and two, YOU'RE ALREADY LIVING IN A DYSTOPIA.
1984 came true with the Soviet Union. Move on with your life. Besides, go read C.S. Lewis's That Hideous Strength if you want a dystopian novel from the 1940s that describes our present day.
9. City Bikers
Look, I've been known to break out the old two-wheeler from time to time. But there is a special breed of city-biker, replete with his skin-tight biker shirt/pants combo and derpy helmet, who thinks he's God because he chose to ride a bike to work.
Thanks for your CO2-free ride to work, bro!!!! YOUR NATION WORSHIPS YOU.
10. Slam Poetry
Need I say more? I remember back in college, I wrote a poem for class and it was, if I may say, pretty dang good. It was a rare stroke of talent from an otherwise very stupid man (Proverbs 30:2).
I'm not gonna lie, there were tears shed in the classroom as I read it. My professor grabbed me after class and told me that I should enter that poem into a slam poetry competition. I've never been more insulted. Catch me immediately throwing that poem in the trash can and never showing it to anyone again.
If you don't know what Slam Poetry is, save yourself the trouble. I promise you that your ears will melt off of your head when you listen.
Welp, that's it.
I'm not gonna lie, y'all have disappointed me a lot this year. Keep up the good work and I'll see you next year.