“I got a lot of problems with you people! Now you’re gonna hear about it!”
Frank Costanza
It's time to continue the tradition of Festivus, beginning with the airing of grievances. My 2022 grievances are listed below in no particular order. Congratulations to those who made the list.
1. Everyone who took last year's list too seriously.
Oh my gosh, Jordan! You can't be so mean to your kids!
Bro, you're going to hurt your brother's feelings! (lol)
Jordan, please bro, please... I love Reckless Love. Please don't hate on it, dude. Please.
Get over it. It's a joke. Same goes for this year's list.
2. People who don't know what tangible means.
It's insane how Christians will just pick a new word and then use it into oblivion. We did it with "intentional" and then again with "marginalize." Now, everyone is using the word "tangible."
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS.
Let's consult the definition.
Tangible: Capable of being touched; discernible by the touch; material or substantial.
That means it makes no sense to say: I want to feel God's love in a tangible way today. Or, I want compassion to be tangible as we go out and serve. Or even, God, we want your presence here to be tangible this morning.
I think the word you're looking for is "deep" or "authentic." Here's the best part about those words: They exist. You don't have to re-appropriate "tangible" when "authentic" works just fine.
:)
3. The voting age.
Anyone who says it should be lowered is unwell. I mean that.
I'll relinquish my right to vote, I don't care. Raise it. Raise it to 30. 35. Heck, 40. Teenagers and young adults might be the future, but they tend to lack this little tiny, insy-winsy thing called wisdom. Let's leave the big decisions to the big boys, shall we?
4. People who slam their weights at the gym.
No joke there is a dude at my gym who grunts and slams the weight while he deadlifts like 135lbs.
Look, no judgments from me - my deadlift is nothing to write home about either. But I don't feel like any slamming weight is warranted until you hit like 450lbs MINIMUM.
5. Aldi Moms
Aldi Moms all act like they've discovered some secret that no one else knows about. Like no one else in town knows about this super secret spot where all the super spicy deals are. Carrying their little "Aldi quarter" around so that they can unlock the shopping carts.
Hey ladies: We all know about Aldi. We just don't care. I'd rather just go to Walmart where I can get actual Cheerios rather than whatever off-brand nonsense Aldi has that definitely tastes as good as the real thing (wink wink).
Congratulations on being just slightly less cringe than coupon moms. Enjoy your European-style grocery shopping and know that your secret's safe with me.
(My wife is an Aldi mom, so don't @ me)
6. The Vols
No, I'm not going to talk about their performance this year. Idk how they performed. My Vols fan friends haven't seemed more happy than usual, so I guess they're as terrible as they normally are (?). But I digress.
Why did that team pick orange as their color? I promise you, I have thought about throwing my natural inclinations to the wind and getting really into watching Vols games, but I can't get over having to cheer for a team dressed in orange, let alone have to wear it. You think I'll pay $60 for an orange Vols t-shirt? Heck no. Gross.
Choose another color. Maybe that's why they're so bad.
7. Rascal Flatts
You suck, Rascal Flatts.
8. Personality Tests
Personality tests are just a way for people to playfully excuse their bad behavior.
Omg sorry I was rude earlier, it's just my Enneagram 8 coming out. xx
You know, as an INTJ, I just don't really feel comfortable acting like a decent person right now.
Everyone has their own little pet personality test that tells them exactly who they are. Congrats on your cool quiz! First, tell us what your Myers Briggs profile is and then maybe you can share with us the quiz that tells you what Disney princess you are.
It's amazing that you can live for decades, but all it takes is a 5-minute online quiz to perfectly define you. It's hogwash, guys. You don't need an online test to be self-aware. That's what *friends* are for.
9. My wife's pity for woodland creatures
I ran over two squirrels this year. Maybe three, I can't remember. Purely accidental - I wasn't setting out to kill as many squirrels as possible.
But each time it happened, my wife freaked out. She was horrified. It was like she thought she was married to some psychotic rodent murderer. She even made me turn around and run back over a squirrel one time just to make sure it was dead. Smh.
Look, it's not my fault these little critters decided to off themselves by diving in front of my car. What am I supposed to do, swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid killing a squirrel?
They chose their fate. You cross Jordan, you might just cross the Jordan. Nah mean?
10. Calories
There are too many of you in too many things. Respectfully, please go away.